Understanding PDA: The Parenting Journey That Turns Everything Upside Down

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re somewhere on the confusing, isolating, and often overwhelming journey of parenting a child with PDA — Pathological Demand Avoidance.

Honestly, just writing those words — Pathological. Demand. Avoidance. — feels wrong. The name itself feels like a misdiagnosis. It sounds clinical, oppositional, even defiant. It paints a picture of a child who’s difficult for the sake of being difficult. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

The Confusing, Twisting Path

When PDA first entered my vocabulary, it was a slow, reluctant realization. One of those moments where, after months (or years) of struggling with traditional parenting strategies — rewards, routines, “positive reinforcement” — I had to face the painful truth:

Nothing was working.

Not because I wasn’t trying hard enough. Not because my child didn’t care. But because I was approaching everything through a lens that didn’t match who my child was. PDA isn’t a refusal to cooperate. It’s not bad behavior. It’s not manipulation. It’s a nervous system response to perceived loss of autonomy. It's an internal fire alarm going off at the mere suggestion of control — even when that control is gentle, loving, or well-intentioned. And that’s where things get really tricky.

When Love Feels Like Pressure

I remember the first time my child rejected a reward. A simple sticker for a task well done — something I’d always believed was encouraging and motivating. Instead, they exploded.

Because to them, that “reward” wasn’t a gift. It was manipulation. An expectation. A demand in disguise. Kristy Forbes says it best: “The demand is seen as a compromise to their autonomy and freedom.”

And when you live with a PDA child, you begin to realize just how many things are experienced as demands:

• People (and their energy, intentions, even kindness)

• Advice or suggestions

• Daily tasks like brushing teeth, getting dressed, or following a chore chart

• Ideas of what’s “right” or “good” for them — even when they logically agree

• And sometimes… just the presence of another person trying to help

Everything you’ve been taught about parenting suddenly feels like the problem.

But They Could Do It Yesterday!

“But they did it last week!”

“They’re just being stubborn!”

I hear this from clients all the time.

The truth is, demand avoidance is fluid. It shifts from day to day—sometimes even hour to hour. It can stem from trauma, executive functioning challenges, anxiety, burnout… and sometimes it’s rooted in PDA. But whatever the underlying cause, what it always requires is safety—deep, nervous system-level safety.

When that sense of safety is disrupted, here’s what we often see:

Levelling (a term used by Kristy Forbes) This is the nervous system’s way of trying to “even the score” when a child feels a loss of autonomy, connection, or equality. It’s not conscious, and it’s not malicious—it’s a survival response. You may see sudden demands for help with tasks they usually do independently (“Can you get me cereal—now?”), breaking cherished items, or physically lashing out at siblings, seemingly out of nowhere.

Surging needs Clinginess, regression, and unexpected helplessness can flood in. These aren’t signs of manipulation—they’re signs of dysregulation.

Emotional explosions Outbursts—yelling, breaking things, aggression toward others—are often just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath is a child trying desperately to regain control in a world that feels unsafe.

None of this is simply “acting out.” These are nervous system survival strategies. They’re a child’s way of communicating: “I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel in control. I’m trying to restore balance.” Understanding this changes everything—not just how we respond in the moment, but how we support their long-term sense of safety, autonomy, and connection.

So How Do We Parent Like This?

I’ll be honest: it’s hard. Parenting a PDA child is completely counter to how most of us were raised — and how society still expects us to parent. But there is another way. And it starts with seeing your child differently.

Here’s what’s helped me:

1. Use Indirect Language

Instead of “Clean your room,” I’ll say, “I wonder what your room would look like if we moved some of those clothes into the basket?” No pressure. Just curiosity. That tiny shift changes everything.

2. Pick (or Leave) the Battles

Is asking them to pour their own cereal worth the meltdown? Maybe not. Sometimes the most connective thing I can do is just pour the cereal and sit beside them.

3. Focus on Connection First

Before I try to guide, teach, or problem-solve — I connect. A silly joke, a warm cuddle, shared laughter. Because regulation comes through relationship.

4. Balance the Power

PDAers don’t see parents or teachers as “above” them. Not because they’re disrespectful — but because they fundamentally believe in equality. That power imbalance? That’s the real trigger.

So instead of, “We’re doing this now,” I try, “Hey, after I fold the laundry, do you want to make cupcakes together?”It’s about working with them, not over them.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

This journey can feel so isolating. Watching others raise their kids using traditional methods — and having it work — while we’re at home walking on eggshells, just trying to keep the peace. Give yourself grace. Lower your expectations. Connect with other parents who get it.

You’re not failing. You’re adapting.

Let’s Talk About the Name Again

I wish it was called something else. “Pathological Demand Avoidance” makes it sound like our kids are pathological manipulators — when in truth, they’re the most sensitive, intuitive, autonomy-driven souls I’ve ever met. Some now prefer the term: Persistent Drive for Autonomy — and that fits so much better. Because that’s really what it is. They’re not disobedient. They just disagree with the power dynamic that says “I know what’s best for you.” They want to be seen, heard, and treated as equals — not controlled, even gently. And if we can shift our lens, they’ll show us just how capable, kind, and brilliant they truly are.

You’re Not Alone

If this sounds like your life, please know — you are not alone. This path is messy and non-linear. But it’s also rich with growth, connection, and a totally new way of seeing your child — and yourself.

The PDA Society offers resources and reminders of what matters most:

• Connection before correction

• Power sharing, not power struggles

• Compassion — for them, and for you

  
  

Because at the end of the day, parenting PDA isn’t about fixing behaviour. It’s about creating safety. It’s about meeting a child where they are. And it’s about rewriting the parenting rulebook — together.