Staying Calm When Your Child Isn’t: Parenting, Triggers, and Repair

I often work in sessions with parents who are navigating big emotions from their kids—while struggling to stay regulated themselves. Many parents come in asking the same question: How do I stay calm when my child is completely dysregulated?

The honest answer is: there isn’t a simple one. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to remaining calm during intense, highly emotional moments. And for many parents—being told to “just regulate yourself” can feel unrealistic, invalidating, or even shaming. This is especially difficult for parents that are managing neurodivergent kiddos with big emotions.

When “Self-Care” Isn’t the Answer

Often, parents are told they need more self-care. And while self-care can be helpful, for many parents it feels like a dirty word—especially those already exhausted and supporting children who are struggling in environments not designed for them.

Amanda Diekman spoke powerfully about this related to neurodivergent kids, saying:

“‘More self-care’ is NOT the answer. How about we change the stigma, shaming, ableism, underfunding, and social exclusion first? Then I’ll try yoga.”

This resonates deeply with what I see in my work. Often, what’s needed isn’t another thing to add (more demands!) — but permission to let go. In sessions, I often support parents in:

• Lowering or adjusting expectations

• Delegating or hiring help when possible

• Asking for support

• Practicing self-compassion instead of self-criticism

In this framework, self-care becomes less about doing more and more about being gentler with ourselves.

Core Beliefs and Parenting Triggers

Another layer that often emerges is the role of core beliefs. These beliefs are shaped by our upbringing, cultural and societal messages, and sometimes trauma. The book The Origin of You explores five core wounds many of us carry from childhood:

• Worthiness

• Belonging

• Prioritization

• Trust

• Safety

Most people identify with at least one. Sometimes, when reflecting on a challenging parenting moment, we realize the reaction wasn’t only about the child’s behaviour—it touched an old, unrecognized wound. Our children have a powerful way of activating our own past experiences, often without us realizing it.

If you’re reflecting on a parenting moment that didn’t feel good, it can help to ask:

• What thoughts are circling for me right now?

• What might my inner child be feeling?

• How is this part of me trying to protect me?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness and compassion.

Compassion for Kids (and Ourselves)

One of the biggest shifts I see for parents is understanding that children are usually not acting out on purpose. More often, they’re trying to make sense of their emotions, nervous systems, and world.

When parents truly internalize that their child isn’t doing this to them, it can dramatically shift how behaviours are perceived—and responded to.

Parents often worry that their child is being manipulative. But most of the time, what looks like manipulation is actually a child doing the best they can with an immature nervous system, limited skills, and a brain that is still very much under construction.

We tend to assume children are operating like small adults—strategic, intentional, and calculated. In reality, children have child brains. Their behaviour is far more about regulation, safety, and connection than control.

Here are some common behaviours that are often labelled as “manipulative,” and what is usually happening underneath:

• Big emotions or meltdowns after being told no: This is rarely a tactic. It’s often a nervous system in overload that doesn’t yet have the capacity to tolerate disappointment or frustration.

• Changing their answer or story: This can be a sign of anxiety, fear of consequences, difficulty with memory under stress, or trying to make sense of events—not intentional deception.

• Clinginess, whining, or repeated requests: Many children are using their caregiver as an external regulator. They are seeking reassurance, safety, and connection, not trying to wear you down.

• Acting differently with different caregivers: This often reflects where a child feels safest to fall apart, not an attempt to play adults against each other.

• Pushing limits or repeating the same behaviours: Boundary testing is a normal part of development. Children are checking: Are you still there? Am I safe? Do the rules stay the same even when I’m struggling?

• Sudden regression (baby talk, needing more help): Regression is often a stress response. It’s a child asking for support when things feel too big.

  
  

Many children—especially neurodivergent children—are also trying to survive in a world that was not designed for them. What looks like manipulation is often a mismatch between expectations and capacity.

Children are rarely trying to control us. More often, they are:

• Trying to regulate their nervous systems

• Trying to meet unmet needs

• Trying to understand boundaries

• Testing whether our love and presence are secure

• Communicating distress in the only ways they know how

When we shift from “They’re doing this to me” to “They’re having a hard time and need support,” we create more room for compassion, regulation, and real behaviour change.

This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries. It means we respond with developmentally informed expectations—remembering that kids aren’t manipulative adults. They’re kids, with kid brains, learning how to be human.

Letting Go of Perfect Parenting

Perfect parenting—or over-parenting—is exhausting. Many parents feel judged based on their child’s behaviour. But children are their own people. While we guide and shape them, we don’t have complete control.

I strongly believe in good enough parenting. Maintaining connection matters far more than getting everything right—especially as kids move into the teenage years. You can’t get through those years without relationship and trust.

I also believe in fostering a positive relationship with counselling and support, so children grow up seeing help-seeking as normal and safe.

Repair: The Most Important Piece

Finally—and perhaps most importantly—repair. We are all going to make mistakes as parents. What matters is showing our children that:

• Adults make mistakes

• Apologies matter

• Relationships can be repaired

Repair teaches resilience, accountability, and trust. It shows children that conflict doesn’t end relationships—and that we can come back together after things go wrong.

The Nervous System and Staying Calm

I put this part last—even though it’s one of the most important! I get it—many clients glaze over when I start talking about the nervous system. I used to do the same, before I realized just how central it is to so many areas of how we respond, relate, and are impacted.

When a child is highly dysregulated, their nervous system is in a state of threat. Because regulation is relational, this often activates a parent’s nervous system too. In these moments, parents may shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn before logic or parenting strategies can come online. The brain isn’t asking, “What’s the best parenting response?”—it’s asking, “Am I safe?”

This is why staying calm isn’t something you can simply try harder to do. When the nervous system is activated, our capacity to regulate, empathize, and problem-solve is reduced. Many parents feel shame about this, when in reality their body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do under stress.

For parents of neurodivergent children, this can be especially intense. Ongoing stress, unpredictability (walking on eggshells!), sensory overload, or repeated dysregulation can keep parents in a chronic state of activation, making calm harder to access over time.

Understanding this shifts the narrative from “I’m failing” to “My nervous system is overwhelmed.” Sometimes the most supportive thing a parent can do is pause, step back, switch out with a co-parent, or briefly focus on their own body—rather than pushing through when their nervous system isn’t ready.

Parenting is hard. Staying calm isn’t always possible. But reflection, compassion, connection, and repair go a long way—for both our kids and ourselves.

And, if you have other ideas or tips, I would love to hear them!