Intentions vs. Actions: Navigating Adult Life with ADHD

When I first picked up Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté, I thought I was reading it to better understand ADHD in my children—and maybe to confirm a lingering suspicion that my husband had it too. But within the first few minutes of listening (yes, listening—reading print has always been a challenge for me), I had a jarring realization: this book wasn’t about him or our kids. It was about me.

Like many adults, I grew up unaware that ADHD could look so different than the stereotypes we were taught. I wasn’t hyperactive in the traditional sense. I did well enough in school. I wasn’t bouncing off the walls. But the chronic forgetfulness, the impulsive decisions, the overwhelm in everyday tasks, the emotional intensity, and especially the painful gap between my intentions and my actions—those were mine. They always had been.

In recent years, there’s been a noticeable increase in adult ADHD diagnoses, and with it, plenty of skepticism—“Everyone’s getting diagnosed with ADHD these days,” people say. But what’s really happening is that more adults, particularly women, are finally recognizing themselves in the research, stories, and science that were never available to us growing up. We’re not jumping on a trend—we’re just now being seen.

Reading Maté's work opened the door for me, but it was the science of Dr. Russell Barkley that helped me truly understand how ADHD affects self-regulation and executive functioning. His research sheds light on why knowing what to do is rarely the problem—it’s doing what we know that’s the challenge. That constant tug-of-war between awareness and motivation, between plans and follow-through, is the lived experience of ADHD.

I also found immense value in ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, which reframes ADHD not as a disorder, but as a different way of operating in the world—a brain wired for interest over importance. This shift helped me release some of the shame I’d been carrying and start focusing on strategies that support how my brain works, rather than trying to force myself into neurotypical molds.

One of the most practical voices I’ve found is psychologist Ari Tuckman. His work is grounded, honest, and hopeful. He emphasizes that the goal isn’t to “fix” yourself or erase ADHD, but to manage it in ways that let you take the lead in your life. As he says, you have ADHD, but you don’t have be ADHD.

Some strategies that have helped me, and that I often share with clients:

• Externalize structure: Use reminders, alarms, lists, and visual cues. Don’t rely on memory.

• Break it down: Tasks that seem simple to others often feel overwhelming to us. Smaller steps = more success.

• Work with your energy, not against it: Identify times of day when focus comes easier and plan accordingly.

• Connect to motivation through emotion or urgency: ADHD brains are wired for stimulation—deadlines, novelty, and accountability all help.

• Self-compassion is key: You are not lazy, crazy, or broken. You are navigating life with a different operating system.

  
  

As a counsellor, I now recognize how many clients have been carrying the weight of undiagnosed or misunderstood ADHD. They come in talking about anxiety, burnout, procrastination, relationship struggles — without realizing how ADHD might be the thread tying it all together.

If you’re reading this and something is resonating—maybe you're seeing yourself in these words the way I did in that audiobook—it’s worth exploring further. ADHD doesn’t define you, but understanding it might just give you the clarity and tools you’ve been missing.

Stay tuned for more specific strategies to manage your ADHD—tools that support your brain, your goals, and your well-being.