Beneath the Surface: Understanding Anxiety in Autistic Children

For many parents of neurodiverse children, especially those on the autism spectrum, anxiety is a familiar — and deeply misunderstood — presence. But what if the anxiety we see isn't the whole story? What if it's a language all its own, communicating needs and challenges that words cannot?

This is what I learned with my daughter.

She was bright, curious, and talkative at home. But when it came to school, everything changed. Mornings became a battleground of resistance, stomachaches, tears, and confusion. We were told it was anxiety — but the tools we were given didn’t work. Breathing exercises, cognitive behavioral strategies, reassurance — nothing seemed to help. And she couldn’t explain why she felt the way she did.

As a parent, I felt powerless. Frustrated. Confused.

But over time, and with the help of autistic advocates like Kristy Forbes, I began to understand: what looks like anxiety in an autistic child is often the nervous system responding to a world that feels overwhelming, unsafe, or incomprehensible — even if that world seems benign to others.

How Autistic Anxiety Looks Different

Typical anxiety might involve fear of specific events or outcomes — a test, public speaking, or a social event. But in autistic children, anxiety often stems from something more complex: a nervous system that is fundamentally wired to process the world differently.

As Kristy Forbes explains, autistic anxiety is often triggered by things many neurotypical people wouldn’t even notice:

• Sensory input – fluorescent lights, buzzing projectors, itchy tags, echoing voices, unpredictable noises.

• New or unfamiliar situations – even slight changes in routine can be destabilizing.

• People and social energy – many autistic people are highly sensitive to the emotional "vibe" of others. A classroom full of unpredictable emotional states can feel unbearable.

• Loss of control or autonomy – when demands are placed on them, even benign ones, it can feel like a threat.

• Fear of judgment, rejection, or being misunderstood – many autistic children know they’re different, and live in fear of being exposed, mocked, or corrected.

• Not knowing the rules – uncertainty in social norms can provoke intense anxiety, especially for those who mask or camouflage their autistic traits.

  
  

The Hidden Toll of High Masking and PDA

Some autistic children are described as “high masking.” They blend in, follow directions, and appear compliant — but this is often a performance, driven by anxiety and a desperate desire to avoid scrutiny or rejection. At home, where the mask can drop, you may see meltdowns, shutdowns, or emotional exhaustion.

Others may have a Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile — a lesser-known presentation of autism characterized by an extreme need to resist everyday demands. This isn’t defiance or stubbornness. It’s an anxiety-driven survival instinct. In PDA, almost everything is perceived as a demand — and demands trigger a nervous system response similar to panic.

Why Traditional Anxiety Strategies Often Don’t Work

If your autistic child resists calm-down strategies or seems more anxious after interventions, you're not alone. Many of these tools assume a neurotypical stress response — one that can be soothed with logic or redirection.

But autistic anxiety is often rooted not in thinking, but in nervous system dysregulation.

Autistic nervous systems tend to process information differently — often more deeply and intensely. Sensory overload can trigger a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response before a child is even aware of what’s happening. What looks like refusal or shutdown is often a protective response.

So, What Can We Do?

1. Look beneath the behaviour. Anxiety is often a signal, not the problem itself. Ask: What is this behaviour a byproduct of? It may stem from sensory overload, fear of judgment, the pressure of expectations, or nervous system overwhelm. Understanding that behaviour is an expression of an internal experience helps us respond with compassion instead of correction.

2. Respect your child’s agency. Autistic children, like all children, deserve to be treated as autonomous individuals, not projects to be managed. When we respect their "no," their preferences, and their pace, we help reduce anxiety and build trust.

3. Tune in to your child as an individual. Every autistic child is different. There is no one-size-fits-all strategy. Observe, listen, and learn from your child — their rhythms, needs, and triggers are unique.

4. Allow for flexibility. Rigid expectations often increase anxiety. Be willing to adapt plans, reduce demands, and create a softer, more responsive daily rhythm. This isn’t "giving in" — it's meeting your child where they are.

5. Create a sense of safety and predictability. When the world feels chaotic or threatening, a calm and predictable environment can soothe the nervous system. Visual schedules, soft lighting, noise-cancelling headphones, or simply a trusted adult’s presence can help.

6. Shift from intervention to connection. Instead of trying to “fix” anxiety, focus on co-regulation — being a calm, nonjudgmental presence that helps your child regulate through connection. Sometimes, sitting in silence and simply being there speaks louder than any words.

7. Validate their experience. Even if you don’t understand why something is hard or scary, trust that it is. Saying “I believe you,” “I see this is hard,” or “You don’t have to explain — I’ve got you,” can be incredibly grounding.

8. Understand yourself as a parent. Give yourself grace. This is complex work. You may feel guilt, grief, confusion, or burnout. All of these are normal — and you deserve support too. Seek out spaces and people that honour both your child’s and your experience.

9. View autism as a difference, not a disorder. Autism isn’t a problem to be solved — it’s a different way of experiencing the world. When we shift from a deficit model to a neurodiversity-affirming lens, we stop asking “How do I change my child?” and start asking, “How can I support who they are?”

10. Seek neurodiversity-affirming support. Not all professionals are trained to support autistic children respectfully. Look for therapists, educators, or guides who centre autonomy, identity, and sensory needs — and who listen to autistic adults.

11. Listen to autistic voices. People like Kristy Forbes, Devon Price and other autistic advocates offer invaluable insight into the internal world of autistic experience. Their words can give language to what your child might not be able to express — and help you feel less alone.

You're Not Alone

If your child can’t explain what’s wrong — that doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. If typical anxiety strategies don’t work — that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Your child’s nervous system may simply be wired to perceive and respond to the world differently.

And they need you not just as a parent, but as an interpreter, an advocate, and a safe harbour in a world that often misunderstands them. Their anxiety is speaking — and with patience, openness, and support, you can learn to understand what it’s saying.